A Bitter Pill

My dear brothers, this is a bit bitter, but you just have to swallow it. I write this because I love you all and want you to be the best.
I know many men believe that every woman MUST be submissive to them the way their wife is, but nowhere in my bible do I see that. In the eyes of God, we’re all equal but in a marriage, we all know the man is the head but even that has conditions our ‘African men’ barely and in most cases never abide by. You are not to be treated specially because you are a man while your colleague is a woman; the woman has to treat you in a special way because she is your wife, your glory while you are her head. Mothers, you have to help us here; raise your sons to know that the only woman they have the right to demand submission from is their wife. Don’t get me wrong; I know our culture should be respected; I know that there are places meant for men alone in our society and hometowns; I believe that the woman should carry herself well and walk in humility if she has to be attractive to a good man, but I am not in support of any man trying to get a woman to shut up and feel intimidated by telling her that she is a mere woman.
The Bible clearly states that the man is the head of the home as Christ is the head of the Church. It also tells men to LOVE their wives and NOT be harsh or wicked towards them and so on. It’s funny how some men claim to be Christian when a particular issue is in their favour only for them to resort to tradition when the Bible is against their action. I can’t stop laughing over the current case of Kenyan male legislators that want to legalize polygamy ( I am neither for nor against polygamy, but what about the consequences of polygamy). One of the legislators even mentioned David that had many wives. Let us know if you are traditional or biblical; choose one and stop getting us confused. If you are a Christian, Christianity started after Christ left the earth. Don’t take us back to the time of Pentateuch.
Now, this is the only part of the bible most men know and their other favourite passage is about submission. Have you not seen the verse where God says He is against you because you have dealt treacherously with the wife of your youth? Malachi 2:13-15 says “You also do this: You cover the altar of the Lord with tears as you weep and groan, because he no longer pays any attention to the offering nor accepts it favorably from you. Yet you ask, “Why?” The Lord is testifying against you on behalf of the wife you married when you were young, to whom you have become unfaithful even though she is your companion and wife by law. No one who has even a small portion of the Spirit in him does this. What did our ancestor do when seeking a child from God? Be attentive, then, to your own spirit, for one should not be disloyal to the wife he took in his youth”.
A good number of men now want submissive slaves; not a wife. You want a good, beautiful, and vibrant woman but you don’t have what it takes to keep one. You admire the woman when you see her at work; you woo her into marrying you only for her to become another piece of furniture the very moment she becomes your wife. Sir, what happened to that vibrant woman? Why has she suddenly become a very dull and careless woman? Don’t you think there is something wrong with the man in her life?
You get drunk/ high with their friends, party at will, have uncountable number of girlfriends and then go home to a ‘Door Mat” that should just agree with everything you say; you even beat up the poor woman at the slightest provocation. Please, is beating a woman part of the submission?
You spend so much to host friends and colleagues; you train your brother’s children in school, but your own wife, your flesh, has no good clothes to wear. You wear designers while your own wife is made to look older than her age.
She writes market list for you and renders account when she back. Some of you shamelessly give money to your secretary to go buy groceries for the house. You tell madam to write market list only for you to hand over the money to your secretary; what an insult to a married woman! You hate your own body so much that you want her to crawl on her knees for you because she wants to buy a new panty. Some of you will not even buy anything at all and you still go home to comfortably enjoy the meal that she managed to cook; where is your conscience? God is watchingoo.
As an individual, I’m very domesticated and extremely neat to the extent that I’m told I have OCD. I have written this to let you know that with or without any help,I will clean up, cook, wash and do all domestic chores, but will I feel loved? Certainly no. Women are not slaves my brothers; they are your sisters. How would you feel if she is your sister?
She has a little baby and now she is pregnant again. She wakes up very early in the morning to get the kids ready after which she goes to work. She returns to take care of the children and prepare dinner for the household. You, the boss, returns from work and showers with the water kept ready for you. You walk straight to the dining table after which it’s Super Sports and CNN time. By the time she is through with dinner, the kids are ready for bed and she has to send them to sleep. She does all these and still works on her official project for the next day. While she does all these, oga has his legs up in front of the TV. She then goes in to put her tired body to sleep for the following morning and here comes the boss who must be satisfied with no excuse. Sir, it looks like you are married to a donkey and not a human being like you.
It’s not written anywhere that a man can not help with domestic chores, especially now that both men and women work, please, it’s NOT wrong. It’s when it’s in it’s excess that it becomes wrong. Too much of everything is not good, I personally won’t love a man who sits in the kitchen 2-4-7. But sir, you must put away pride, stop being a chauvinist and help your wife.
Things have changed, whether we all like it or not, my brothers, you have to accept that fact. This is not a bid to take over the place of men and vice versa, but you have to be more flexible. We have long left the times of our great grand fathers and you must accept that as true. Our women are more educated and civilized. Women now work outside the home and they acquire better education. Everybody knows I speak about submission to ones husband and being an Igbo lady, certain things are for men alone and so I would be very stupid trying to drag it with them. But, being too traditional doesn’t help anyone. I remember a woman writing to tell me how selfish her husband is in bed. The man forces her to give him a BJ which she hates doing, but when she asks him to do same to her, he is quick to remind her that his chieftaincy title does not allow him to do that.
Again some of our traditional fathers were exemptions and were very good, helpful, caring and loving. You keep talking about our mothers being submissive; are you the kind of father and husband our fathers were? When was the last time you provided for your home just the way our fathers did? You fail in your duty as the provider and protector and there you are talking about your wife not being too submissive. Don’t think I am supporting women being disrespectful but I always want men to show me why they are men. For a woman to be submissive to you, you must give her what to be submissive to. I am sorry to say this but a good number of men are now figure-heads and that’s the more reason they go for just working class women. Even before getting married, they have called themselves failures.
Our African men are suddenly becoming more selfish, disrespectful, messy , bullies, egocentric, chuvanistic, you name them. You’ll know things are really bad when your mother tells you ‘ I pray you don’t end up marrying the kind of man your father is (that’s critical). Some men are wicked to their women but will not tolerate another man do that to their daughter or sister. I know a man that was so mean to his wife, always beating her up for no justifiable reason and all that. The woman reported him to her brother who on the other hand was a girl friend batterer. The brother did not only beat his brother- in law but also put him in his boot.
Parents, please raise your male sons the right way. In your house, there should be no differential or preferential treatment for the male or female children. No one should be made to feel better or lower because of his/her sex. They should do all chores together while growing up with the understanding of who a wife or husband should be.
There are bad women, there are also very bad men but so many African men never accept they do wrong. It’s a demonic bondage that has captured your hearts and minds and can lead you to eternal damnation, yes, it’s that serious. Learn to say “I am sorry” when you offend her. Saying this magic word doesn’t make you any less of a man; it makes you a very powerful man. Many female hearts are bleeding because they are in marriage with their Id-El Amin.
Now, don’t come with that “what about women?” because everyone knows how much I have done for our ladies to get it right. Don’t push this to the ladies; please read it and think think, think!

9 Responses so far.

  1. Everything is very open with a clear clarification of the issues.
    It was definitely informative. Your website is very
    helpful. Many thanks for sharing!

  2. Fabian says:

    That’s simply accepting the responsibilities of manhood, any man on the contrary should be ashamed when he addressed ‘a man’….
    A man of course they said is the head but that’s not a standard of comparison as to making your woman inferior. You are one so treat her as u want her to treat you.

  3. favour says:

    It is a very bitter pill for men.Aunty Amara,you knocked the hammer still on the nail’s head.if some men will adhere to this,MARRIAGE will be a very blissful institution.God bless you.I wish all these uneducated men in Nnew,Anambra state will get to read this article.

  4. Glory says:

    A bitter pill indeed. Thumbs up Ma

  5. Modeljordan says:

    It is indeed a bitter pill for men and i know most of them will bite back at you but dont give up my dear, u dont know how many abused women out there look up to you as a beacon of light and hope when those who are supposed to be their support (their husbands) have failed them. It is well, God will see us tru and bless you more abundantly for the boldness to say what most of us women dare not voice out

  6. gladys says:

    Nyc one

  7. Nic one! that is if they will hear.

  8. chinny says:

    A long but inspiring read. The summary of it all is Love. If we really love our partners as we love ourselves, there won’t be any cause for oppression, intimidation and inhumane treatments. Where there is God’s love, divorce is not an option since you can’t leave yourself cos you made a mistake so if you see your partner as yourself, it makes forgiveness easy. May God help us to love the way Christ loved us and gave his life for the church.

  9. Gyelle says:

    U’re such a Big blessing to the body of christ thanks for educating us and putting Roles back into order God bless u

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